big girls don't gossip

If I could write down my feelings about last night's episode of Scandal, it would be nothing but a crapload of exclamation marks. This episode definitely did not disappoint and it definitely left me feeling more than just seven types of emotion.

I'm still reeling from the craziness that occurred, but let's jump in shall we?

Huck The Awesome saves Hollis' life but tells him if he blabs about the election rigging he'll get Cyrus' hired gun to come after him. So the slick as oil Southern guy is safe...for now.

Then we switch to Mellie and Fitz's fake domestic bliss in front of cameras holding their unnamed son. As soon as the cameras stop rolling, Mellie drops the baby with some nurse that looks like her life sucks. I feel you girl, working for Mellie must be an effing nightmare.



After the poor disgruntled nurse takes unnamed baby away, Fitz tells Mellie he still wants a divorce and wants to stay in his kids' lives. Mellie looks at him like...

But Fitz isn't backing down without a fight. "Dont.Push.Me" he tells Mellie and I can't help but feel she's gonna pull some drastic shit to get her way.

Liv scolds Cyrus for almost killing and innocent man, but I get the feeling that Cyrus really isn't that guilty about it. Then Fitz and Liv run into each other and he says she's not gonna marry Edison and that she will wait for him. It's no wonder this man (kinda) won the presidency. He could sweet talk the undies off a nun (forgive me Father for the blasphemy). All of their moments together are basically summed up by this



They are so adorable and on FIRE every time they're together. Adultery be damned!

Liv and the rest of the Gladiators slowly piecing together all of the information they have on who could've ordered the hit on Fitz. The rest of the team is poring over the information when Liv has a literal lightbulb moment.

Turns out the person that paid crazy Becky to kill Fitz, was none other than VERNA! The Supreme Court Justice dying of cancer!! Not gonna lie, I was kind of pissed by reveal. I really really really wanted it to be Mellie!

 


Turns out the old broad felt guilty about the election rigging and decided to solve the problem. But instead of just coming clean and incriminating herself. She decided to KILL Fitz!



Yea, my thoughts excactly.

Oh, and we see in a flashback that the old broad saw Fitz and Olivia together...in a less than professional way, if you catch my drift. Olivia is understandably pissed. She decides to fix things as fixers do but finding out everything nosy ass David Rosen knows. Huck reminds them that there is bug planted in David's apartment and Abby freaks out (as usual). This aint about you Abby!!



Abby tells them to bring all of the R-rated tapes to them. As the montage goes on, we see a considerable amount of tapes piling up on Abby's desk. Man they had A LOT of sex...yeesh.

Meanwhile, in the White House, Mellie goes to Cyrus and says she'll ruin Fitz if he tries to walk out on her and will basically have the political career she yearns for handed to her. Bitch needs to take a SERIOUS chill pill. Starter wife problems..as my friend calls them.

We already know the kind of things Mellie is capable of. She might not be responsible for Fitz's attempted assassination  but she has lied about having a miscarriage and put her baby's life in danger. Oh and she treats poor little unnamed baby as a political ploy. Are you guys seeing why this woman really is THE ABSOLUTE WORST??

David is busy preparing for the case of the century and subpoenas James. James will have to confess in front of a Grand Jury about everything he knows about the tampered voting machines. James freaks out for good reason. Either he confesses and Cyrus goes to jail for a long time, or he lies on the stand and he's in the clink and away from his precious newborn baby. It's a pretty sucky situation.


James confronts Cyrus about the subpoena and Cyrus finally comes clean about his involvement in a less than kosher way. The strip (tease?) was actually a really interesting way to add drama to the already dramatic scene. Cyrus confesses in one of his spectacular Emmy, Oscar, Tony and Grammy (?) worthy speeches. Someone just give this man all of the awards all ready.

James says he's going to do the right thing. Which can only mean one thing. Cyrus is apparently willing to do anything to keep his small amount of power. Cyrus has a hired gun at his disposal. You do the murder math.

(YES, it's time for my most favorite GIF of all time)


(this thing is a classic!)

Verna, the cold hearted bitch that she is, is lyin up in the hospital bed ready to meet the Devil, but not before she causes more chaos. Turns out she summoned David and is planning to tell him ERRTHANG.  But when he tries to get into her hospital room, the guards keep him from seeing her.  "What on earth could keep me from seeing her, when she asked me here?" he wonders. Oh that's right! The mother effing President of the United States. Take all the seats David..you ain't shit compared to Fitz.

If Fitz had hair like this, he'd flip it in James' face!

After going through hours of tapes (not including the Dabby sex tapes), Huck discovers that David is hiding the tampered voters card in the safe in his house. Abby volunteers to steal it, but not before she listens tapes of her and David's most private moments over and over again. Poor thing is really torturing herself. I'm not the biggest Abby fan, but I do feel bad for her in this scene.



While she's listening, she hears him say he loves her and she starts to piece things together. She goes to Olivia and asks if she's the reason her and David broke up. Olivia says yes with no hesitation because she's a G. Abby freaks out even more when she finds out Harrison was the one that orchestrated the whole thing. She storms out of the office, but not before Harrison gives an awesome speech about loyalty. Now he's a true ride or die...Abby...not so much.


(Just pretend that says Abby)

Abby shows up at David's right before he goes to question James in front of the Grand Jury. They hook up. All is well in Dabbyland for now. We can assume that Abby is giving the ole F-you to Pope & Assoc. and isn't going to steal the card. She's busy having make-up sex.


Olivia has exhausted all of her resources and tells Cyrus that the jig is up. They are going to be exposed and ruined. But Cyrus says he'll fix it. Which can only mean one thing, he's gonna pay the creepy murderer guy to cap someone. But we don't know who yet.

We find out that it's JAMES that  Cyrus ordered killed and as James is on his way to testify, Cyrus begs him to reconsider while trying to convince his gun for hire to stand down. James says he has to do what must be done and hangs up. The gun for hire is seconds away from blowing James to kingdom come when Cyrus yells "DONT DO IT!"



Yeaa on the edge of my seat about to fall off in that moment. The killer stands down but quips that Cyrus still owes him for the job. I wonder, how much money does one pay a killer to murder their life partner. Damn Cy, your ambition is outta control dude.

In the middle of all this drama, dumbass LyQynn offers Huck $5000 to kill Hollis Doyle for killing her boyfriend and ruining her life.



Huck says it's not enough and he'll do it for free but she can never come back. Because gladiators aren't about revenge (that's not what Russel Crowe says te he he) they're about fixing things. She realizes her life is a joke and stands down. Seriously..where did we find this broad?

But James lies on the stand and David freaks out in the courtroom!! He loses his job and storms in Pope & Assoc. and demands that Abby give the card back. "What are you talking about? "She asks. He can't find the card but somehow knows she took it (I mean he's the stupid one for keeping evidence of a federal crime locked in his personal safe). He says he's done with Abby. They were back together for all of two seconds. Harrison comforts her. They're totes gonna bone, I can feel it.

Crisis averted! They're safe for now and Olivia finally feels she can move on with her life and be with the man she loves...eventually.

Pudding Pops comes around and Liv gives that ring back saying she can't marry him. He asks why and if it's him or if she just doesn't want to be married. She can't tell him she's in love with the married Prezzy so she just tells his ass to bounce in so many words. Hasta la bye bye Pudding Pops! It was fun while it lasted...NOT!

   

Cut to that cold hearted bitch's funeral. Fitz is stanidng over her body when Olivia walks up to him and says she told Edison no and that she'd wait for him, no matter how long it takes.

But Fitz is all like...

Turns out that Verna isn't just an attempted murderer, she is a KILLER of love and joy! She told Fitz about everyones (and I mean EVERYONES) involvement in the election rigging and her attempt to kill him.

I present to you my seven stages of reaction to this news.

ONE: WHAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTT???????!!!!



TWO: WHAT IN THE FLYING FUCK VERNA?!?!?!



THREE: CAN'T HANDLE IT!




FOUR: TRUE LOVE IS DEAD

  

FIVE: ABSOLUTE AND TOTAL SOUL CRUSHING DEPRESSION




SIX: I NEED ALL THE WINE!



SEVEN: F YOU VERNA!!!!!




The look on his face when he asks if Olivia was involved was heartbreaking.

So now Fitz is like, don't bother waiting for me. Never gon happen. It's one thing to screw your mistress but another thing to think you're gonna marry her. Way harsh, Fitz. Then he tells her hew knows. Olivia is left broken and we get more insight on Fitz's last convo with that cold hearted bitch (she HAS no name here! You hear me!!!) 

Turns out she also confessed that she summoned David and was gonna tell him everything. So Fitz was like, nah bitch, 'preciate your honesty but you're not taking my prezzy away from me. So he takes off her oxygen mask and holds her down until she dies. THEN gives the eulogy at her funeral. I like to call that straight G shit.

So we're left with Olivia sitting in church thinking about the great big diamond she gave up for Fitz to turn on her ass and dump her at the funeral of the woman that tried to kill him. And Fitz reconciles with Mellie because she is the ONLY one that was every really honest and showed her true self to him. She's always loved him, she promises. You were the one that left me. You're all I have now, he says.

They kiss...America gags.

And again I say, F-YOU COLD HEARTED CANCER BITCH FOR KILLING THE TRUEST LOVE THERE IS!

So there you have it. Olitz are on a indefinite break, Mellie has her man back, and we get into a whole new batch of cases next week. Liv is trying to move on and Fitz gets jealous cuz he's an asshole sometimes.  But if Shonda really loved us, this break won't last.

FITZ + LIV 4 EVA

Last night's episode of Pretty Little Liars was really just a stepping stone into the amazingness that will occur next week (i.e. Mona finally getting her ass beat) but before we jump ahead, let's discuss last night! 

As with every PLL episode, the girls are trying to untangle all of the mysterious threads of Ali's life. Coffee always seems to be involved in these pow-wows. Jason comes in and tells them that Ali is going to be buried again and he wants the girls to come to a small ceremony. Spencer is like...

 She is still somehow only voice of reason despite recent events. Alison was pretty much a sucky human being and isn't a saint now that she's dead.




When will these girls realize that Alison was like the WORST ever?

Anyways, the rest of the PLL and Jason are left wondering what the hell Spencer's problem is. I really don't understand how these girls haven't figured out that something is seriously wrong with their friend. But instead of trying to find out, they decide to go after Wilden aka Ali's suspected baby daddy. The fact that Emily thinks the pic of him at Cape May that summer is still there is laughable.

Spencer is still meeting up with the P.I she hired last episode and he tells her that Toby bought $65 worth of hydrangeas (which we know definitely aren't for Spencer) then he skipped town. He also found out that the A-key opens a door to a space somewhere downtown. But for more info, Spencer will have to offer a little more encouragement a.k.a dolla dolla bills. She doesn't commit just yet, but we all know that with her mix of absentee parents and an unlimited trust fun it'll be pretty easy to pay off Creeper P.I.




Meanwhile, Caleb is having issues letting go of the past and Aria is having issues letting go of the fact that Ezra basically left her to be with his maybe baby mama. Oh and Wes is around and it's pretty much obvious that Aria is going to hook up with her boyfriend's brother. If this was Secret Life, I'd be down. But it's not so *yawn*

Spencer is trying to stay as sane as possible but it's really hard when you have assholes like Mona all up in your girl. Mona basically cornered Spence at her locker and started talking about their upcoming debate competition. The look Spencer gave Mona when she touched her arm...priceless.


(dear Spence in happier days)

But Mona doesn't back down, she goes for the jugular. She drops "A" references and then says "I'd hate Toby to come all that way for you, only to be left cheering for me".

I present my seven stages of emotion to that scene.

ONE: ABSOLUTE SHOCK AT HER NERVE


TWO: OH NO THIS BITCH DIDN'T!





TWO: I WANNA JUMP THROUGH MY TV RIGHT NOW!




THREE: I'LL CUT HER!





FOUR: YEP, STILL ANGRY





FIVE: WHY IS SPENCER JUST TAKING IT?



SIX: OK, CAN SOMEONE PUNCH MONA PLEASE?




SEVEN: I CAN'T WAIT FOR SPENCER TO GET HER ASS!

Yeah, like I said before, I cannot wait for Spencer to attack Mona.

Emily goes to the police station to look at the picture of Wilden and it's gone (duh) but also comes across one of the postcards she put in Ali's casket. It was in her mom's bag, which I find sketchy as hell.   She enlists Spencer's help in translating the French on the back of the postcard--an obvious message from A.  And even though Spencer is on a one-way train to craytown, her French is still impeccable. Snap snaps all around.

The card reads "Stop digging! Because the Police know it is you who is capable of murder!". Yes we all know that Emily killed "cousin" Nate in self-defense (reminder Em...not ALL black people are related) so she decides to visit the good (or is she) Dr. Sullivan to finally learn to deal with the fact she took someone's life.  Dr. Sullivan hypnotizes Em and instead of taking us back to the night she killed night, it's the night Ali disappeared. And we're led to believe that Emily was the one who killed Ali. The promos weren't screwing with us on that one. So yea...Emily...prime suspect #1?




In Whocaresland, Aria and Wes are bonding on their similarly f'd lives. Hanna convinced Caleb to say goodbye to his childhood home only to come in contact with his "Uncle" JAmie and it's sooooo obvious that he's Caleb's daddy but they drag this storyline on because the writers hate us and want us to suffer. Basically this is how I felt the whole time


I just want more of Troian Bellisario's impeccable acting please! Is that too much to ask for?

Luckily (for viewers, not for her), Spencer descends farther into madness as she decides to offer Creeper P.I. enough "encouragement" to find out exactly what door the A-key opens. He tells her the location and asks what she expects to find. Spencer says if she thinks what's in the space he still loves her and everything they went through wasn't a lie. "But if not? "the P.I. asks. Spencer doesn't know. "Then maybe it's time to let him go" Damn...deep stuff.



Unfortunately for Spencer, the A-lair was completely cleared out. I was initially confused by what she hoped to find, but my friend told me that if it wasn't clear then Toby didn't tell anyone Spencer knew and was keeping her secret. But it seems as if the entire discovery was planned. Toby is deliberately breaking the poor girl's heart. She breaks down and I can't help but feel her pain...


So she shows up at Ali's 2nd (3rd, 4th??) memorial and drops a HUGE bomb on Jason by telling him Ali was pregnant when she died and Wilden is the father! He naturally storms out, probably to go search for Wilden and the rest of the girls are looking at Spencer like...



I actually can't blame them for freaking out on her. That was totally unnecessary and uncool. I honestly think Spencer is unknowingly lashing out at Jason because of his ties to Mona. To make matters worse, she discovers what Toby did with all those hydrangeas he bought; they were on his mom's grave. So she decides to scratch his name into her plaque with the A-key. Looks like crazy Spencer has finally come to play. Totes disrespectful, but can you really blame her?

Meanwhile, the world's dimmest friends are trying to figure out what happened to Spencer to make her go off the deep end. Emily says that she can't get in contact with Toby to ask him what happened. So it might not be totally obvious that Toby betrayed Spencer but it IS obvious that she's not just going through the motions after a normal breakup. Ugh, sometimes these girls make me tired.



But Emily does have another flashback as they are leaving the memorial and she realizes that she mixed up her memories. The "memory" she had in Dr. Sullivan's office was really a mixture of memories including the night Ali's body was dug up. So she didn't kill Ali. I really didn't understand how she figured that anyways so I'm gonna go with the theory that the "Good" Doctor really isn't that good. She shady. But we basically find out that someone has been overseeing all of the A-team's activities and she looks like this



"She's the boss" Emily says. So now we finally know that the mysterious "blonde" in the red coat is the ringleader of the A-team! I can't wait to find out who it is. So what are your theories and thoughts about this week's episode of Pretty Little Liars?

This is really all I have to say about next week.

Bring on the Spencer/Mona catfight!!!